She outgrew another outfit yesterday, this pink fleecy thing with bunny ears. It makes me sad, folding it away, knowing she’ll never be that small again. Those skinny legs, that fluffy head.
I feel like a kid reaching for another cookie when her mouth is already full. I want more. I can’t bear the idea that she’ll never be newborn again, never be 2 weeks old. She’s just starting to get easier– sleeping through the night and going 2 or 3 hours without eating– and already I miss it. I yearn for those quiet early mornings, her head nestled into me smelling of warm milk.
In the midst of all this, we’ve hired a nanny, Rosa. Last night I cried when I discovered she had folded all of Cora’s clothes. It’s like I’m being replaced. But I did this, I’m the one who needed to go back to work. I am torn in two, wanting to be a real person and yet never wanting to leave her. A part of me wishes I could suture her to my side but the other part knows I would grow to resent her. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want.
This morning Cora smiled so big when Rosa came to the door and my heart broke. It is so hard.
You are doing the right thing. As a mom, you will never feel 100 percent with your decisions. If you are at work, then you want to be with baby. If you are with baby you want to work.
It’s a great life lesson teaching you that whatever you have is good.
It gets better I promise.
Every stage is fun.