I worked my first full week this last week. It might be the worst thing I’ve had to go through so far. It’s l like breaking up with someone I’m in love with. I was so distraught pulling out of the driveway Monday morning that I hit the nanny’s car who was parked DIRECTLY BEHIND ME.
Christ.
That evening Cora wouldn’t even look at me, just cry. And eat. I held her to me, my nose in the fluff of her hair, and smelled the powdery smell of Rosa’s perfume. Like a dagger in the back, the smell of another woman on your child. I gave her a bath.
Tuesday I thought it would be better, but as I pulled out of the driveway I looked back and saw the empty place where her carseat should be and the tears came again. Wednesday I cried at clinic and Thursday I burst into tears in my PEPs group. By Friday I was numb. I came home early, laid in bed and nursed Cora, with Stella curled up in a ball next to me.
On the up side, I got to write and teach and see patients. I almost felt like a real person again. In those moments I wasn’t on the verge of bursting into tears.
I’m sure it gets better. I hope that doesn’t mean I just get more numb.
oh honey….it is so good that you are that bonded to her. It will get easier.
xxoo
mom